


I'm Not Alone (Sonny Carisi)

by orphan_account



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-30 17:51:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10168463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The one with the funeral.





	

You stood outside of the church, afraid to go in. Terrified of how you were going to feel once inside. You wanted to be alone through this process, because no one really mattered to you in that moment except for Sonny. You felt alone, so you wanted to be alone with your thoughts and your dreams that would never come true now. 

The thought of walking into the church made your chest feel tight and your throat feel raw and the last thing you wanted was to cry in front of these people. Retreating into your mind was the only way you hadn’t lost it yet, thinking back to the last day, three days ago.

Unable to touch your dinner, you gnawed at your bottom lip as your gaze moved from your plate to Sonny’s face, to back at your food. He looked so stressed out, with work and law school, you really hated giving him something else to worry about. Nonetheless, you knew you had to tell him, you had verified it that morning and you couldn’t hide it forever.

“Sonny, um, I’ve got something to tell you.”

Sonny looked up from his plate of food and quickly swallowed his bite. He nodded, “Is anything wrong?”

A sigh escaped your nose, “No! Well, I don’t know.” You paused, trying to quell the nausea rising in your stomach. “I mean I’m happy about it, but I don’t know-“

“Can you just tell me? I’m startin’ to get a little nervous here.” 

You let out another loud sigh as you crossed your arms on the table, “I’m pregnant.”

Sonny dropped his fork as his eyes went wide. Complete shock was the only expression on his face, and you wondered if it was good or bad shock until he smiled brightly at you, his dimples defined beautifully.

“You’re…you’re pregnant? With my baby?”

You felt your eyes narrow at his comment. “Of course it’s yours, Dominick.”

Sonny shook his head as he stood from his chair and walked to you, “No, love, that’s not what I meant. I just can’t believe we’re havin’ a baby! I’m gonna be a dad!” He grabbed your hand and pulled you up to him, enveloping you in a tight hug. “I can see the mood swings have already started.”

“You can just shut up,” you giggled, trying to pull away from him, but he kept a firm grip on your waist not wanting to let you go. “You’re not upset?”

Sonny shook his head again, his beautiful blues rimmed with fresh tears. “Doll, how could I be? It didn’t really happen at a great time in our lives, but we both have stable jobs. We love each other. My ma is kinda like a built in babysitter, she loves it. It’ll be great. Do you know how far along you are?”

“Yeah, about seven weeks, I went to the doctor today to confirm it.” Your face was starting to hurt from constant smiling, but you couldn’t help it. Sonny was happy, you were happy, and the two of you were about to start a brand new exciting, terrifying, amazing part of your lives together.  
_

“Hey, love, wake up,” Sonny whispered as you slowly opened your eyes. You found Sonny dressed and sitting on your side of the bed, stroking your hair.

“Gosh, Sonny, what the fuck time is it?”

“It’s just past two. Look, Rollins just called. We got a solid lead on that ring we’ve been trackin’. I gotta go, but I’ll be back as soon as I can, okay?” He planted a kiss on your lips before bending to place one on your belly. “I love you both.”

You smiled back despite your exhaustion, overwhelmed with the love you both already felt for the little being inside you. “Love you too, sunshine.”

-

A loud ringing woke you a few hours later. Not wanting to come out of the warm blankets quite yet, you blindly reached behind on your bedside table. After a few seconds, you hand finally found your phone and you quickly answered, wanting nothing more than to turn off the horrendous ringing.

“Yeah?”

“Oh, hi,” Olivia’s voiced came through the speaker. Instantly awake, you sat up in bed, barely noticing the rush of cool air on your skin.

“Olivia, what happened to Sonny?!”

-

Sonny was shot, twice. Once near the heart and once in the kidney. One of the pimps in the ring the squad was chasing got two shots in Sonny and one in a uniform that had come for backup. He hit the uniform’s arm, he was fine but Sonny was in surgery and no one would tell you anything. Mike was covered in Sonny’s blood, the smell of the hospital mixed with your thoughts and the bundle of cells inside you made you feel sick and you surely thought this was just a bad dream because this could not happen to Sonny, not right now. Sonny didn’t deserve it and your baby didn’t deserve it.

The surgeon walked into the waiting room and you all stood, you held Amanda’s arm because you didn’t think you could stand on your own until you knew Sonny would be okay. As Olivia walked over, the surgeon just shook his head and you knew. You felt your legs give out as you held Amanda while her and Mike held you and you couldn’t stop yourself from screaming. The other people in the waiting room were staring but you couldn’t make yourself care enough to stop because Sonny was gone and that’s all you could think about.

 

A shake on the shoulder brought you back to reality. “Hey, you okay?” Amanda’s eyes were full of concern, and you really couldn’t blame her. You felt like a shell of yourself and the bagel she had forced you to eat earlier that morning was threatening to make a comeback and you were sure you looked crazy because you felt crazy, empty. Isolated. You didn’t know how to answer her question.

Amanda seemed to sense that, “Hey, you should go sit next to his mom, okay? I think the service is about to start.”

You were barely able to listen to the priest talk about Sonny. He shouldn’t have been talking about him; Sonny was still so young, too young to be lying in a casket. During his speech he said that Sonny was a remarkable God-fearing man who died trying to protect young girls from being sold into sex slavery. That he absolutely has a place in Heaven for all the good he’s done in the World. That he left behind a mother, three sisters, nieces, and a long-time girlfriend. It killed you that he didn’t mention that Sonny also left behind a child; but you hadn’t had the heart to tell anyone else about the pregnancy, it didn’t feel right to talk about it without Sonny. Mrs. Carisi gripped your hand as the priest finished his sermon, silently signaling that it was time to walk to the cemetery. You could feel the wetness on her skin from wiping her tears.

Worried you were going to lose your breakfast and control over your emotions; you kept your eyes on the clouds as Sonny was lowered into the ground. You could tell Rafael was trying desperately to control his emotions as Olivia put an arm around him, silent tears falling on her face. Mrs. Carisi’s sobs were loud in your left ear and you knew all of the crying combined with watching his body disappear into the dirt would be too much for you to stomach. The blanket of grey somewhat calmed you; the dull sky mirrored how your heart felt and anyway, the way the looming clouds hid the sunshine from view seemed too fitting for Sonny’s funeral.

You and Amanda were the only two left near Sonny’s grave after he was covered in dirt. Everyone, including Sonny’s family had cleared out to go to his mother’s house for a gathering. You had politely declined their invitation, insisting that you would be over soon, that you just wanted a few moments alone with him.

Of course, Amanda had stayed with you.

“Are you gonna be okay?” Amanda had asked again for what had to be the tenth time that day. You stayed silent for a while, contemplating how you felt.

You looked up at her face, her eyes brimming with tears. Once again, you didn’t know what to say, so you replied with the only thing on your mind at the time, “Amanda, I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant and Sonny’s not here with us.”

Her face softened, “Oh, honey,” she reached out for you and you let yourself fall into her arms, finally letting yourself go, letting yourself cry and be held.

“Did Sonny know?”

You nodded as you pulled away from her grasp. “The night he was…” you couldn’t make yourself say that word, “That night, I told him. No one else knows. Amanda, he was so happy and now he’s gone!” Amanda wiped your tears with her hands and then held onto yours as her own dried up.

“Can I have a minute alone, please? I want to say bye to him.” Amanda agreed and with a squeeze of your hand, left to wait by the car.

You just stood there for a while, not knowing where to start. You didn’t know how to feel or whether to scream or cry or be mad at Sonny for leaving you. You sat next to his grave, not caring that your black stockings would get dirty; it seemed trivial now. The black dress your mom bought you for this, the makeup she put on you because you hadn’t been able to seep for two nights. It all seemed stupid now because Sonny was gone; you would never be able to hear his laugh or cook with him again. Sonny wouldn’t see his baby grow up. That’s all that mattered to you and it’s all you could think about.

“Dammit, Sonny,” saying his name hurt and sent another wave of nausea through you. You took a deep breath and let it out slowly, not wanting to cry during this.

“I know I shouldn’t be mad at you. I should be mad at the man that shot you, and I am, but I’m mad at you, too. I’m mad at you for leaving us because it makes this easier.” Another deep breath. You felt tears building behind your eyes and your hands began to shake so you closed your eyes and all you could see was him. In your mind and behind your eyes Sonny was alive and you could see his dimples when he laughed; the picture comforted you briefly until you remembered that you would never see them light up his face again.

“I hope our kid has your eyes. I hope they have your everything, really. Your sense of humor, your smile, everything, but I really hope they have your eyes. Because I’ll never be able to see them again otherwise.” You couldn’t stop the tears at this point. You lay on his grave, dirt now covered your dress and forearms and you knew it was getting in your hair but that was the last of your worries. Gripping the dirt in your hands for some kind of support, you felt the pain and sadness rip through your muscles and bones as your sobs shook your whole body.

As you managed to calm yourself again, your sobs turned to shallow breaths and the steady streams of tears turned to trickles. You lifted your head to the sky once again; you knew if Heaven did exist that Sonny was there now somewhere, not under this clump of dirt. The thought of Sonny in a better place made a tiny smile spread on your lips.

“Sonny, how am I supposed to do this on my own?”

In that instant, part of the sky opened and the grey clouds broke apart to let the sun’s light shine through. The moment made your breath catch in your chest, your eyes were glued to the stream of golden light contrasted against the dark clouds. You almost couldn’t believe it and you thought, maybe, that you weren’t entirely alone.


End file.
